Daughter, Wife, Mother, Grand Mother, Great Grand Mother, and quite possibly Great Great Grand Mother.

These are a few words that describe the woman I've known as Big Mamma. A few other words would be Matriacrch, Keystone, the heart, soul & compassion of a family. The living history of not just a family but of America.

This woman, my great grand mother... it fell to her to not only raise her children but the children of those children, and some of the children of those children. This woman has touch the lives of many, too many to count and it is a sad day to know that she has passed on from this life and hopefully on to the next as I know that is what she believed.

I don't write this to put my mind at ease, but to mark the passing of a good woman, a good and decent person. It has been many years since I've seen or talked with my great grand mother. The past 5 to 10 years for her have been frought with severe alzheimers and from what I've been told she couldn't recognize anyone from her past. The same people who's diapers she changed and helped learn to walk and speak were not even a memory to her in the end.

I wish I could say that I will miss her but too much time has passed. Having been out of her life for the past 10-15 years makes it very difficult. There's not point in regret for what should have been. I still have my memories of her, both good and bad. But I will try to keep her spirit with me as I believe I always have. There are some things taught to us when we're young that never leave us, and I know that she had a large part in me becoming the person I am today.

So in truth I guess some part of me will miss her, when I think back to years gone by or when certain things trigger a reaction I will think of her, with love and affection. The way I handle right and wrong, how she would cook & sing during the holidays. Yes, those things have and will be missed.

With eternal love from your Great Grand Son,
Robert L. Baldwin Jr.




In Rememberance of Emma Boyd, known to many in Portland Oregon simply as
"Big Mamma"

Dec. 18 2008
It's 8:55am. I've been awake since 6am. At 6 the streets were wet from the rain we received overnight. Though it's my day off, I go through the morning routine: bathroom, turn on Sirius & listen to Howard Stern, make a cup of coffee and cruise the internet, send a txt message to Sherri.

8:28am, I take a look out the window and all I see are huge snowflakes and everything is covered in at least an inch of snow! WOW! Though I know it will cause undue stress to many, it's one of the most beautiful sights I've seen in a while. Portland covered in snow. I found myself just stareing out the window in awe and wonder. It's beautiful! But even as I write this the status changes. The snow flakes are much smaller, almost rainlike at this point. The beauty I see out my window won't last the day, with the prestine white of the snow changing to grey & black as sanding trucks make a path for others to follow.

9:09am & 36 degrees. Beauty fades but the memory remains. Maybe it will start up again, bringing back the immaculate vision of winter.

Today while waiting for the lightrail, A jeohvahs witness crept up on me (as they tend to do), trying to give me his "Watchtower" zine. The cover/topic was "why are we here". After I declined the material, he asked me if I have ever asked that question. My response was that I think that we all ask that question at some point and from time to time. It's the human condition. If we don't we're just going through the motions.

Is there something "out there" that created "Us"? Is there a "God" because we can't fathom the concept of being completely alone? Why are we here? There are the kinds of questions that have been asked for eons. And it is not I nor some group of religous zealots that can truly answer those kinds of questions. Nor can they convince me that they have the answer. I'ts a question that we must answer for ourselves if possible. It's a question that we must ask ourselves from time to time to bring a certain humbling to our existence. We go through our lives like mice on a treadwheel, running runnning running. Only to stop/pause long enough to eat, drink and sleep... then it's back to the wheel. What for? When we have gone back to dust and our body's energy goes back to the universe what will our years and years of toiling matter? If we're lucky enough, we'll have left decepiles in the form of offspring to carry on our name and intentions. Some of us will even leave behind great works of art & lierature. Others will leave a clear path of distruction and wrath that will be chronicled by others, so that we as a people will never forget.

It's been said that most people lead lives of quiet desparation, I don't believe that's true these days. We are born only to live a life. Not every life will be outstanding. Not every life will be in the headlines. And not every life will be remembered but our lives are what we make of them. Live your life! It may not be great or worthy of a historical record but it's your life. Don't waste it on some notion that it's not living up to the achievements of another because when it's all over, who will know the difference or be here to care?

To paraphrase Richard Pryor the comedian. You better enjoy it, cause ya can't ask for a recharge - it's too late. So put some sunshine on ya face.

Live, love & laugh.
PEACE