What does another year mean...
I turned another year older this week. The big joke from many around me is that I'm almost 50.
Very fuckin' funny.
As I look back over the year, it's clear that I haven't changed much but there have been changes. Part of me is perpetually numb since my stepmother died. There is a void in my life that I don't think will ever be filled by anyone other than the "one" woman that I love. Even sex is less enjoyable, and I love sex.
My primary goal of paying off my student loans is close at hand. 6-7 more months and that is one burden I no longer carry. But it will be replaced by sending money to help my father.
Each day feels tedious and a repeat of the day before. Nothing new seems to happen. I never seem to have time for anything other than work. Sleep is harder to handle, meaning that it's still hard for me to get proper sleep without the aid of sleeping pills. Fuck. Things are less clear than they were when I was younger. There is less joy and peace. My responsibilities are now for more than just myself. It's hard to deal with some days.
Some days I'm simply going through the motions, as though I'm watching a tv show with myself as the main character. It's not a good show and has very few highlights as of late. so much seems to be waiting for "something" else to happen. I don't know what that will be. It could be money, or finally having someone special in my life that won't run away or be ashamed of me. Someone that won't have to hide the fact that I'm a part of their life. Again, I don't know.
So happy belated birthday to me.
I can only hope that this year is better than the last. That my efforts, hopes and dreams matter and amount to something other than the useless thoughts of a middle aged man.
To who ever finds this blog, Live your life that best that you can. As far as I know, you only have the one life to live so get the most out of it. Love someone. It may not be for a lifetime or even a weekend but give your love. It may come back to you from those that you desire it from. And Laugh. Through the pain and grief, good news and bad, laugh. Laugh at yourself and the world. It's one of the best emotional releases you have at your disposal. Cry. Let it all sweep over and though you and cry. Cry until your eyes are puffy and there are no more tears to shed.
Know that someone loves you and that someone has loved you.
Until the next time, know that you are not alone. Peace
Very fuckin' funny.
As I look back over the year, it's clear that I haven't changed much but there have been changes. Part of me is perpetually numb since my stepmother died. There is a void in my life that I don't think will ever be filled by anyone other than the "one" woman that I love. Even sex is less enjoyable, and I love sex.
My primary goal of paying off my student loans is close at hand. 6-7 more months and that is one burden I no longer carry. But it will be replaced by sending money to help my father.
Each day feels tedious and a repeat of the day before. Nothing new seems to happen. I never seem to have time for anything other than work. Sleep is harder to handle, meaning that it's still hard for me to get proper sleep without the aid of sleeping pills. Fuck. Things are less clear than they were when I was younger. There is less joy and peace. My responsibilities are now for more than just myself. It's hard to deal with some days.
Some days I'm simply going through the motions, as though I'm watching a tv show with myself as the main character. It's not a good show and has very few highlights as of late. so much seems to be waiting for "something" else to happen. I don't know what that will be. It could be money, or finally having someone special in my life that won't run away or be ashamed of me. Someone that won't have to hide the fact that I'm a part of their life. Again, I don't know.
So happy belated birthday to me.
I can only hope that this year is better than the last. That my efforts, hopes and dreams matter and amount to something other than the useless thoughts of a middle aged man.
To who ever finds this blog, Live your life that best that you can. As far as I know, you only have the one life to live so get the most out of it. Love someone. It may not be for a lifetime or even a weekend but give your love. It may come back to you from those that you desire it from. And Laugh. Through the pain and grief, good news and bad, laugh. Laugh at yourself and the world. It's one of the best emotional releases you have at your disposal. Cry. Let it all sweep over and though you and cry. Cry until your eyes are puffy and there are no more tears to shed.
Know that someone loves you and that someone has loved you.
Until the next time, know that you are not alone. Peace
posted by Fat Bobby at 9:17 PM
0 comments
