Fear... a life conditioner
When I was a child I had little to no fear. I'd climb trees, crawl out on the roof, do the rope climb at school to the top (or as far as my weak arms would take me). There wasn't a thought of the pain or injury that might occur. The "fear" of the consequences simply wasn't there.
That attitude changed when my mother returned to my life. Instead of encouraging her children, she hid us away from the people in our life. People who had grown use to seeing us on a regular basis. Her paranoia isolated us (my brother and me). Curtains closed, we were not allowed to even answer the door, regardless of who it was. Family, friends, the mailman, no one! Over the years I had never questioned this changed in myself, I hadn't even realized it happened. But over the years I did notice that there were things that I didn't or wouldn't do anymore. I'm afraid of heights now. I'm not outgoing or willing to put myself there to meet new people. I feel like I'm always looking over my shoulder, I always have a sense of something might go wrong, always a bit paranoid.
That's not to say that I can't be social, can't make friends or try being the focus of attention in social settings. It really depends on the people I'm with, but once the party is over I am still the person I was before the party, paranoid and alone.
I've always thought that if I could find the right woman to put up with my bullshit, I could be happy, have a family, live a good life. After all this time that woman has yet to come into my life, claim me, and stay with me through thick and thin. And I wonder if that will ever happen.
I live my life the only way I know how. I do my job, pay my bills, and from time to time spend time with friends, family and the occasional sexual companion. But this is not enough...
To those who find this blog, take this advice with the good intentions I'm trying to put forward:
DON'T BE AFRAID! TAKE THE RISK! DARE TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD!
It's your life, take a chance on falling flat on your face. Don't let the madness of the world stop you from moving forward with you life. Don't let actions of in your past hold you back.
Yes I know... why don't I take my own advice? Well, I've always been able to see the path others should take, based on my life and the information I know of them. But it's often harder diagnose your situation and take the advice that you'd give to someone else. Also, this realization of where my fears are based is a new revelation. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, maybe because I'm tired of living as if the zombie apocalypse is just around the corner, or that every other person is out to get me. I'm tired of it. I want a life again. I want to smile again. I want to be noticed and known and loved! But that can't happen while I'm still afraid of what might be around the corner, or who might be knocking on my door.
Don't be afraid... it's only life. Trust yourself and try anything... try everything!
Peace.
That attitude changed when my mother returned to my life. Instead of encouraging her children, she hid us away from the people in our life. People who had grown use to seeing us on a regular basis. Her paranoia isolated us (my brother and me). Curtains closed, we were not allowed to even answer the door, regardless of who it was. Family, friends, the mailman, no one! Over the years I had never questioned this changed in myself, I hadn't even realized it happened. But over the years I did notice that there were things that I didn't or wouldn't do anymore. I'm afraid of heights now. I'm not outgoing or willing to put myself there to meet new people. I feel like I'm always looking over my shoulder, I always have a sense of something might go wrong, always a bit paranoid.
That's not to say that I can't be social, can't make friends or try being the focus of attention in social settings. It really depends on the people I'm with, but once the party is over I am still the person I was before the party, paranoid and alone.
I've always thought that if I could find the right woman to put up with my bullshit, I could be happy, have a family, live a good life. After all this time that woman has yet to come into my life, claim me, and stay with me through thick and thin. And I wonder if that will ever happen.
I live my life the only way I know how. I do my job, pay my bills, and from time to time spend time with friends, family and the occasional sexual companion. But this is not enough...
To those who find this blog, take this advice with the good intentions I'm trying to put forward:
DON'T BE AFRAID! TAKE THE RISK! DARE TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD!
It's your life, take a chance on falling flat on your face. Don't let the madness of the world stop you from moving forward with you life. Don't let actions of in your past hold you back.
Yes I know... why don't I take my own advice? Well, I've always been able to see the path others should take, based on my life and the information I know of them. But it's often harder diagnose your situation and take the advice that you'd give to someone else. Also, this realization of where my fears are based is a new revelation. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, maybe because I'm tired of living as if the zombie apocalypse is just around the corner, or that every other person is out to get me. I'm tired of it. I want a life again. I want to smile again. I want to be noticed and known and loved! But that can't happen while I'm still afraid of what might be around the corner, or who might be knocking on my door.
Don't be afraid... it's only life. Trust yourself and try anything... try everything!
Peace.
posted by Fat Bobby at 10:48 AM
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