Merry Christmas??? BAH, bring on the new!

For who? Last year at this time I was at least semi-appreciated. The few women in my life found me reasonably attractive and sexual. I did things and bought things for them not because I expected sexual favors for it but because they needed it or I thought they'd appreciate it. 

This year...  This year it would seem that past generosity and help matter for shit. I've been largely ignored since october, chastised for not "letting them in", and simply been replaced by other desires like mexico.

Each year I've tried to be a better man, tried to help when I've have the means or knowledge to do so. And for what? To be ignored or told that I need to get out more. WTF? Of course I need to get out more... I need to socialize more... I need to mingle and open myself to new women. But fuck! I work long and hard (enough) every day. I don't have the luxury of wandering into work whenever I want, so I have to behave and not stay out all night. And I'm older now. I don't want to be the old man at the club, I've gotta find new places to socialize and meet good women (or bad) women. Hell, I simply need a loving touch once a week or several times a month.  It really shouldn't be that difficult. Should it?

My yearly resolution for quite awhile has been to be a good man, and a good/reliable friend, and to be less selfish. I'll try to maintain that but in order to get what I need (physical affection) I'll have to be selfish, confident and social. 

Here's to a better year, and less selfish lovers. 
Peace, love and passion to one and all.

I'm scared and afraid. The fact that my stepmom is getting worse either from the chemo or from the cancer has me on edge. I afraid that I won't get to see her in time should the worst happen. I'm afriad of what that will do to my fathers state of mind and what he'll do if he's alone. I'm afraid that I won't be able to take him out of the dessert and bring him back here to the NW where his son are and can be a part of his life. 

Right now I feel completely alone and that I can't depend on anyone for help or support during this time. I will be strong for them, my folks, my parents. I will be ready when they need me but it's getting more difficult each day I hear that she's not doing better. What makes it worse is that there's nothing I can do to help. I can't even afford to just be there for them. I don't know what to do and it's very hard dealing with that.