what kind of life is this anyway?

i'm a single man, early 40's, no children, very few friends, my prospects for a lasting union with a woman I can love and will love me back  is so slim you can split a hair on it. I live in a small cave of an apartment and have under two years to go 'til I get over the hump with my student loans.

What the hell is this for a life? At times if feels as if I'm just a bit player in a movie or tv show where I'm just an observer watching others live an interesting life, while I just drone on like a worker bee keeping things the gears greased and turning. Every now and then the camera turns my way and a little excitement happens. Short lived excitement, the camera turns away and I go back to greasing the gears.

I hope that my existence has meant more than my perception to that to the people I love and who love me. It's hard to know most days as I'm still living a workaholic life. I've tried to make time for people, to be a part of their lives, to matter. Somehow it all gets jacked up and I end up in the same groove I was in before. Work - sleep - work - sleep - work - sleep. I know there's more to life than this, I'm just not there yet and each day it seems a little harder to get to a point where I'm not just doing this day to day bullshit and I get to live again. Get to love the woman that loves me. 

What the fuck. Too much livin' in my head to head again, too much mental survival mode - again. Too much self doubt, carrying the burdens from the days of my youth, too much regret for not doing things that should have been done, actions not taken, opportunities missed or not available. So here I am - repeat from the top 20 to 50 times over and this is what is going on in my head. 

Tis the season (almost)

It's late October. Surprisingly, there are no advertisements for Xmas, only a few commercials showing the signs of Thanksgiving: turkey's being cooked and early sales for family feasts. The baseball season is coming to a close while the football season is in full swing. 

Nature is preparing for winter. The leaves have changed and are falling from the trees. The temperatures have dropped and people are dressing accordingly.

This is the time of year when people make an attempt to be kind to others or think of others with less. For two months of the year people make an effort to not only be good but to be unselfish. It makes for the best time of the year. It shows that people can be better and are not completely self centered. 

I don't have a family of my own to lavish my love and affection upon but I will let those in my life know that I love them. Help those in my live that have very little, however I can. And try to be available for those that just want me to be around during this time of year. 

There's a lot to be grateful for at the closing of this year. I can only hope that things get better for the people in my life... and maybe even have a little happiness for myself.

To whoever happens upon this blog, open your eyes and hearts to those less fortunate than yourself. You don't have to save or help everyone. You don't even have to pick a stranger or homeless person. You just have to care enough to help one person get through this season. Donate a for a Thanksgiving meal, clothing or toys to a the local charities, include someone that you know is alone and would appreciate being around people and feeling welcome and maybe even loved. 

Just show a little graciousness and compassion to someone that needs it. What do you have to lose? You make someone feel wanted and special for a little while. Hell, it might even make you feel good... for a little while.