what kind of life is this anyway?

i'm a single man, early 40's, no children, very few friends, my prospects for a lasting union with a woman I can love and will love me back  is so slim you can split a hair on it. I live in a small cave of an apartment and have under two years to go 'til I get over the hump with my student loans.

What the hell is this for a life? At times if feels as if I'm just a bit player in a movie or tv show where I'm just an observer watching others live an interesting life, while I just drone on like a worker bee keeping things the gears greased and turning. Every now and then the camera turns my way and a little excitement happens. Short lived excitement, the camera turns away and I go back to greasing the gears.

I hope that my existence has meant more than my perception to that to the people I love and who love me. It's hard to know most days as I'm still living a workaholic life. I've tried to make time for people, to be a part of their lives, to matter. Somehow it all gets jacked up and I end up in the same groove I was in before. Work - sleep - work - sleep - work - sleep. I know there's more to life than this, I'm just not there yet and each day it seems a little harder to get to a point where I'm not just doing this day to day bullshit and I get to live again. Get to love the woman that loves me. 

What the fuck. Too much livin' in my head to head again, too much mental survival mode - again. Too much self doubt, carrying the burdens from the days of my youth, too much regret for not doing things that should have been done, actions not taken, opportunities missed or not available. So here I am - repeat from the top 20 to 50 times over and this is what is going on in my head.