A bad start to a new year...

My niece and an aunt died this week. My father has to bear the weight of this on his shoulders while trying to take care of his wife who is undergoing chemotherapy. 

I am his first son. I'm also the child most like him so I tend to feel how he would feel under the circumstances. Today all I could feel was tired and as the day when on I remained tired and agitated, then tired and angry! On the train ride home I looked out at the sky. I could see that the clouds were lower and it felt like someone covered me with a wet blanket and would not let me loose. 

The lady at the grocery store asked the question she asks everyone "how was your day?". I replied "I survived the week". To which we had a brief conversation about the ups and downs of life. She tried to lighten my mood by saying something to the effect that I make others happy or it's a pleasure to see me or something like that - I couldn't hear her as she spoke very softly. I told her thank you and smiled. But once I got home I was ready to cause something or someone great pains. 

I don't know what's going on... death seems to be hovering around my family and it's scary, depressing, and a bad way to start a new year.

This is no way to start the new year...

I rang in the new year alone, unkissed, unloved, unsexed and with a nagging back pain.  This is following a long time abdoninal pain which, yesterday, kept me at my desk in a chair all day. So much so that I bowed to the rules of common sense and scheduled a doctor's appointment. 

The doctor was pleasent enough, she asked questions, wasn't judgemental and seemed willing to help me get the necessary treatment for whatever turned up during the visit. During the visit I had to undergo the standard herunia check "turn your head an cough". She did this several times. Under other circumstances an attractive woman handling my private parts would have been a turn-on. But not today... I couldn't have been less aroused. I guess pain (and a little fear) has a way of doing that to a person. 

After the touchy-feely I was told I'd need an ultra-sound to better check for the chance of a small internal pelvic region hernia - yippee, another half day of work lost (fuck!). With any luck it'll simply be weak muscles or something that requires an abdomin wrap for a few weeks and I'll be in the right condition to get into shape (without major pain).

Ugh, this is no way to start a new year.
Happy New Year... it's gotta get better than this!