I just don't understand...

I realize that I can hold on to hope for a while too long. That I linger in the emotions I have for another longer than I should, even after having been kicked to the curb more than once. Always hoping that there's still a chance for rekindling what once was. 

But how am I supposed to get past a former lover when they dangle the carrot or possibility in front of me? When they fein saddness and remorse for actions I've taken to not be remined of them everyday, even after they've thrown in my face, that our time has passed and that it will not happen again? I don't understand.

I know my limitations and what I have to offer, it's not much. I have a strong work ethic. I don't go out looking for new poon. I will always do what I can for you if you are a part of my life. And if I love you, I will love you with every cell in my body.  That's what I offer. If that's not enough then I'm not the man for you. 

And once you've told me that, why would you expect me to keep lingering on the dream? To keep hoping against hope that you will return to me? Again, I don't understand.

If you want me you know where I am.
No more lies. No more broken promises. No more hiding. You cut me loose once and it broke my heart and crushed a part of my soul. I won't let you do that again.

Laid to rest...

My stepmother has been laid to rest and she is missed. In talking with my father I told him that because she was in our life, because she loved us we are better men.

Of this there is no doubt. She was my fathers lover, wife, road dog, travel companion, friend and conscience. Through the highs and lows they stayed strong. They were a unit. With her gone he will never love another, no one can ever replace what she was to him. 

I miss her very much. It's hard to think of her without tears flowing from my eyes. She was the mother that my brother and I were supposed to have. She was never ashamed of us. She was in fact very proud of her two sons. As her son I did my best to make my folks proud of me, from the time I graduated design school, to working in the adult industry, to working in the gaming industry. They were always proud of me as that was my goal for being their son. 

My thoughts are racing through my head. So much to say but can't get the right words. 
So I will end with these, your men (your two sons and your husband) will always love you and hold you in their thoughts and hearts.