What does it mean, if anything...
I shouldn't be surprised at the fact/realization of my former girlfriend & landlord is in fact married. She's beautiful, smart and deserves that kind of love & happiness. I can only wish her the best and hope that it lasts a lifetime.
But this makes for the third "ex" in my life that has made it known to me that she is/getting married. As I am less than a year from turning 40yo, I find these situations to be more of a head-shaker. Not that they couldn't or shouldn't get married but more of a "why wasn't it me" line of thinking. It brings up questions of my mind set and attitude of not only my commitment to a woman but also my attitude towards work and by effect how I go through my life. Have I allowed work to be the protective shield in my life, using work as the overall excuse to not participate or to even block people and prevent them from getting close to me? Has my persistence in maintaining a job/career been truthful and the side effect been that of an unintentional personal blockade? I've placed so much into trying to be my best at my job, even when it wasn't recognized or appreciated and for what - to be a lonely workaholic with no prospect for a fullfilling future with a good woman?
Because of my childhood (such as it was) I have fears that I'll repeat the cycle but those fears have pigeon-holed me into isolation...
I'm happy for my past "ex"s, my past lovers who have found happiness and love and marriage but it gives me saddness knowing that even though the time I spent with these women was beautiful, that I wasn't the man that could give them the love, attention and compassion they needed to be complete.
It's possible that I won't be able to give that until I can come to grips my own demons...
But this makes for the third "ex" in my life that has made it known to me that she is/getting married. As I am less than a year from turning 40yo, I find these situations to be more of a head-shaker. Not that they couldn't or shouldn't get married but more of a "why wasn't it me" line of thinking. It brings up questions of my mind set and attitude of not only my commitment to a woman but also my attitude towards work and by effect how I go through my life. Have I allowed work to be the protective shield in my life, using work as the overall excuse to not participate or to even block people and prevent them from getting close to me? Has my persistence in maintaining a job/career been truthful and the side effect been that of an unintentional personal blockade? I've placed so much into trying to be my best at my job, even when it wasn't recognized or appreciated and for what - to be a lonely workaholic with no prospect for a fullfilling future with a good woman?
Because of my childhood (such as it was) I have fears that I'll repeat the cycle but those fears have pigeon-holed me into isolation...
I'm happy for my past "ex"s, my past lovers who have found happiness and love and marriage but it gives me saddness knowing that even though the time I spent with these women was beautiful, that I wasn't the man that could give them the love, attention and compassion they needed to be complete.
It's possible that I won't be able to give that until I can come to grips my own demons...
posted by Fat Bobby at 12:55 PM
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