A dream of Earth, a living Sun and Us...

Weird but interesting dream.
Humanity messes up the earth so badly that the sun "wakes up" and gives us the humans the choice of going out of existence living the way we currently live or for us to get another chance at getting life right. This would require the sun enveloping it's self and shooting earth through a time warping hole in the middle, destroying and recreating the earth at the same time. Only a few people are allowed to know this is going to happen and they unanimously agree.

It happens in a flash. The new earth is free of the problems that currently deal with, nuclear weapons are gone and are replaced nuclear power that is more than just a modified steam engine. The ozone layer is whole. The rainforests are full and lush. People the world over have plenty to eat and have a place to live. The world governments generally work together. Most people never knew that the world got another chance to do things right, except the ones that made the decision. They know and now have to deal with the new reality. Some go mad, some look for a chance to beat the system, others look for ways to "us" keep from making the same mistakes all over again.

In my dream I was one of the decision makers. I voted yes. When we were remade, Apple wasn't quite the world powerhouse it is now. It was in the middle of the iPod age with the rainbow logo and Steve Jobs was still young. The Newton had survived and there were several generations of the large clunky device. Apple was in the process of creating the first iPhone based on the original white pod and I was there to see the prototypes. Not just as a consumer but as an electronics test pilot (of sorts). Hands on, putting parts in sockets and working on design with Steve, The Woz and Ashton Kutcher as the other Steve. Excitement was in the air as the final prototype was completed. It looked like an ipod but different. At that point is said "where's the camera?" The other Steve said "right there" and pointed to an oval hole under the left corner of the iPod screen. I take a look closer and there it was.

I've been awake too long, the dream is fading and things are blurry. Reality is here and it's time to get ready for work.

In my head again...

Ever since my stepmom passed away I've been in more of a daze and detached than normal. Most of the time I'm numb and going through the motions. I'm still productive, get my work done but I always seem to be viewing myself through window behind my eyes. I see what I'm doing. Know that I'm doing things but it's like watching a movie or tv show, only closer.

Things have changed. I don't get drunk, in that I don't seem to be able to get drunk. I don't feel highs of being happy or elated. The lows are frequent but repressed. Things are happening with family members and all I can do it sit back and watch it happen. I still seem to have one primary focus which gets me out of bed every day: my student loans are almost paid off. That will be a good thing. Other than that I only look forward to my days off from work. There's no special woman in my life, just the one or two that have not kicked me to the curb over the years. They don't really need me but they keep me in the wings.

It's hard to know how to feel when you don't really feel anything.

I worry about my father. His isolation is worse than my own as he lives in the dessert and with very few close friends to lean on or socialize. For all the worry and love and concern I have for him, it's worthless. I don't have the means to visit him or bring him here. All the reassurance a son can give will never replace his beloved wife, companion and true love of his life. I can understand what he's going through but only to a point.

It's mid-afternoon and I'm done. I don't want to do any work. I don't feel productive. I don't want to be here anymore. Time to call it a day.

To whom ever finds this blog. Be well. Love someone. And try to realize that you matter to someone. Peace.

After all this time, I still suck...

I can do my job competently. I get through the day to day grind without much hassle. I take care of myself as if by clockwork. But I still can't read how and when I fuck up with women.

The smallest thing can flip a connection or situation. You "reject" a woman one night, for whatever reason, and you're in the shithouse. Say the wrong thing at the wrong time and you've insulted her forever. This may not be the intention (it gnerally never is) but that's the result. And ya wanna know the kicker... THEY WON'T TELL YOU! Not until you make some request or they're feeling the need to come clean or they just want to put you in your place. I don't understand it, and probably never will.

It's hard to please most people. Even harder to please most women (pick a way). As a man, I try but I know that I fail half of the time. I say something stupid, fail to make the right gesture, fail to say the right thing or just show up late with a lame excuse. 

So to all the women I've "wronged" - I'M SORRY! Sorry I was late, told a half truth, told the full truth, worked too late, don't make enough money, didn't show you enough attention, showed you too much attention, looked at that woman walking down the street, didn't pay attention to your new "whatever", hadn't noticed "the thing", slept too late, didn't want to go out, stayed out to late with the fellas, got jealous, wasn't jealous enough, etc... etc... etc...

If I could read minds, I'd be a very rich and possibly a much lonlier man. I can't, so I try to do what right. Try to treat women better, with respect and not just objects for me to hump. I don't always succeed, as I've recently been told. 

I can only try to do better in the future.
Peace.

2014. Is this it?

After a night of, at best, fitful sleep I get up and get ready for work as per usual: brush this, wash that, iron those but while leaving my apartment I noticed the lack of motion. No animals making noise, very few vehicles on the road, none of the early morning joggers.

I realize that it's New Year's Day, people are still asleep from a night's worth of partying or they haven't left the party yet or they get the day off. But there's something odd about today that I can't put my finger on… Hopefully I'm wrong and it's just another very foggy day and life will continue as per usual. (maybe even with a chance for a new years smooch or two). 

Be cautious and aware of what going on around you today. Happy New Year everyone.