In my head again...
Ever since my stepmom passed away I've been in more of a daze and detached than normal. Most of the time I'm numb and going through the motions. I'm still productive, get my work done but I always seem to be viewing myself through window behind my eyes. I see what I'm doing. Know that I'm doing things but it's like watching a movie or tv show, only closer.
Things have changed. I don't get drunk, in that I don't seem to be able to get drunk. I don't feel highs of being happy or elated. The lows are frequent but repressed. Things are happening with family members and all I can do it sit back and watch it happen. I still seem to have one primary focus which gets me out of bed every day: my student loans are almost paid off. That will be a good thing. Other than that I only look forward to my days off from work. There's no special woman in my life, just the one or two that have not kicked me to the curb over the years. They don't really need me but they keep me in the wings.
It's hard to know how to feel when you don't really feel anything.
I worry about my father. His isolation is worse than my own as he lives in the dessert and with very few close friends to lean on or socialize. For all the worry and love and concern I have for him, it's worthless. I don't have the means to visit him or bring him here. All the reassurance a son can give will never replace his beloved wife, companion and true love of his life. I can understand what he's going through but only to a point.
It's mid-afternoon and I'm done. I don't want to do any work. I don't feel productive. I don't want to be here anymore. Time to call it a day.
To whom ever finds this blog. Be well. Love someone. And try to realize that you matter to someone. Peace.
Things have changed. I don't get drunk, in that I don't seem to be able to get drunk. I don't feel highs of being happy or elated. The lows are frequent but repressed. Things are happening with family members and all I can do it sit back and watch it happen. I still seem to have one primary focus which gets me out of bed every day: my student loans are almost paid off. That will be a good thing. Other than that I only look forward to my days off from work. There's no special woman in my life, just the one or two that have not kicked me to the curb over the years. They don't really need me but they keep me in the wings.
It's hard to know how to feel when you don't really feel anything.
I worry about my father. His isolation is worse than my own as he lives in the dessert and with very few close friends to lean on or socialize. For all the worry and love and concern I have for him, it's worthless. I don't have the means to visit him or bring him here. All the reassurance a son can give will never replace his beloved wife, companion and true love of his life. I can understand what he's going through but only to a point.
It's mid-afternoon and I'm done. I don't want to do any work. I don't feel productive. I don't want to be here anymore. Time to call it a day.
To whom ever finds this blog. Be well. Love someone. And try to realize that you matter to someone. Peace.
posted by Fat Bobby at 3:47 PM
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