What is owed...

As a man who was abandoned by his mother, I feel a certain way about what is owed to children.
Mothers and fathers tend to act as if the lives they created belong to them, as if the children they created owe them. That is not the case...

My belief is that the mother and father owe their children EVERYTHING!!! A life better than the ones that their parents had, a better existence, love... health... support... everything.

Yes, children can be pieces of shit. They can be the most disruptive force in a parents life. They can break the hearts of their parents. They will lie, steal, and destroy their family. But it's not always their  fault.  A parent must teach their child, and the child should learn from them. A parent must condition their child to the ways of the world, the ways of how others live, the realities of life. Not just the bullshit needed to get through the day to day struggle.

I don't know... children need to know that their lives are more than just to further extension of their parents thoughts and dreams. And parents need to realize that the life they bring into this world is their responsiblility. They owe that child everything! Everything that they can give, everything that is their life, every opportunity to live a better life! Children will try and fail, but the parent needs to give their child every opportunity to succeed! If they don't they have failed as a parent. They have failed to contribute to this world.  They have failed in every way that counts.

I have a brother. In spite of our upbringing he has surpassed what I thought either of us could do. He has raised two beautiful and smart daughters. He has taught them what is necessary to get by in this world. He gave them confidence. He gave them courage. He gave them the will to follow their dreams and stand up for themselves. I envy him his success and his family. He  gave his children what was stripped  from us, better yet, what was never handed to us. He and I should have been leaders of men. Men of stature and importance but this was never the plan for us under the the life we grew up in. Yet somehow he overcame the odds and made a life, had a family. And with that, he gave his children the love and encouragement to reach for the stars, reach for everything that they believe is within their grasp.


It's late. I've had a bit to drink.
To those that find this blog, strive to do better and teach better for your children. Give them your all. Give them the strength to reach for what's theirs, for what they want, without hesitation, without regret.

Peace.

Fear... a life conditioner

When I was a child I had little to no fear. I'd climb trees, crawl out on the roof, do the rope climb at school to the top (or as far as my weak arms would take me). There wasn't a thought of the pain or injury that might occur. The "fear" of the consequences simply wasn't there.

That attitude changed when my mother returned to my life. Instead of encouraging her children, she hid us away from the people in our life. People who had grown use to seeing us on a regular basis. Her paranoia isolated us (my brother and me). Curtains closed, we were not allowed to even answer the door, regardless of who it was. Family, friends, the mailman, no one! Over the years I had never questioned this changed in myself, I hadn't even realized it happened. But over the years I did notice that there were things that I didn't or wouldn't do anymore. I'm afraid of heights now. I'm not outgoing or willing to put myself there to meet new people. I feel like I'm always looking over my shoulder, I always have a sense of something might go wrong, always a bit paranoid.

That's not to say that I can't be social, can't make friends or try being the focus of attention in social settings. It really depends on the people I'm with, but once the party is over I am still the person I was before the party, paranoid and alone.

I've always thought that if I could find the right woman to put up with my bullshit, I could be happy, have a family, live a good life. After all this time that woman has yet to come into my life, claim me, and stay with me through thick and thin. And I wonder if that will ever happen.

I live my life the only way I know how. I do my job, pay my bills, and from time to time spend time with friends, family and the occasional sexual companion. But this is not enough...

To those who find this blog, take this advice with the good intentions I'm trying to put forward:
DON'T BE AFRAID! TAKE THE RISK! DARE TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD!
It's your life, take a chance on falling flat on your face. Don't let the madness of the world stop you from moving forward with you life. Don't let actions of in your past hold you back.

Yes I know... why don't I take my own advice? Well, I've always been able to see the path others should take, based on my life and the information I know of them. But it's often harder diagnose your situation and take the advice that you'd give to someone else. Also, this realization of where my fears are based is a new revelation. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, maybe because I'm tired of living as if the zombie apocalypse is just around the corner, or that every other person is out to get me. I'm tired of it. I want a life again. I want to smile again. I want to be noticed and known and loved! But that can't happen while I'm still afraid of what might be around the corner, or who might be knocking on my door.

Don't be afraid... it's only life. Trust yourself and try anything... try everything!
Peace.

Just another hallmark holiday?

Valentines day is here again. And here I am, alone again...

I have loved, and have been loved. And until she returns to claim what belongs to her, I will do what I can to keep pushing forward. I will continue to live, and try to find a woman who will love me without reservations, tolerate my work ethic, put up with my mood swings, and will try to break me out of my rut.

To those who find this blog, on this day, love someone. Give them your everything! It may not be for a lifetime but make it real. Make it worth your time, their time. Be there in the moment and realize that you are sharing time with someone singular. Someone special. Make them feel as if they are the only other person on the planet. Make them feel love, desire, lust. And if the time comes, they will feel the pain and loss. It's not that they should never feel such things, but the fact that we will all feel such pain at some point. And that pain, let's you know that you are alive. That you have had meaning and someone has had meaning to you. That your existence mattered, even if it was to only one person ever. YOU HAVE MATTERED!

Be well today. Live, love and laugh.
Peace.

why...

On my way home from work the other day, I was confronted with the fact that racism is alive and well in 2016.

I was on my way home, walked to the mas transit center, as I do every work day. I also go and wait at the same place nearly every day. So as I did what I do every single work day, some old white lady whips out her phone and starts taking photos of me. At first, I thought I was in the way of a photo she was taking, but she was following me. Then she did it again and made a phone call, asking the person on the other end if they "got that". WTF!!! I had never met this old woman, I have never had contact with her. So why is she taking pics of me? Why is she acting like I want something from her or that I'm going to do something to her? FUCK YOU! There's nothing you have that I want! There's nothing you have that I don't already have or can't get for myself! The only thing good about your existence is that it's almost over. Your generation will be dead soon and after that, maybe the equilibrium that is needed in this country will start to happen.

To all you racist fuck-tards, go fuck yourselves! Like it or not, your hatred will not change my color. Your hatred will not force me to leave MY country, the land of my birth! Your hatred will die with you! Make all of the threats you want, I'll match you bullet for bullet! My guns are legal, so is the ammo I'll be using! .38spl, .22lr, .223. Make no mistake, and do not underestimate, any of these will drop a body dead when entering the brain. And perfect practice makes perfect!

My advice to those afraid of me for no reason, learn to make a friend, instead of an enemy. I'd rather shoot with you... than at you.

To those that find this blog, PEace. Try to not let the hatred of this world corrupt your soul.